Flying to Kenya for 9 days, working at a summer camp for 6 days, filling in to preach at church, trying to stay connected with friends over dinner, birthday parties for our kids and the cousins, prayer meetings, the nine-to-five, officiating a wedding for friends, and the list goes on. This overly long list was our schedule from the end of May until now.
Many of you can probably relate to how busy life feels especially with a young family. I am sure some of you could put us to shame in terms of your life and how much you do. Here is the question that I have found myself pondering this summer: How does busyness affect our children? In our family we are always trying to find the balance between work and rest. I think we would all agree that we are not called to take our families and live at a monastery, holing them away from civilization and forsaking interaction with others (sorry if you that’s you). I am always trying to monitor the relationship that all men must pay attention to; work and family. We knew going into this Spring and Summer that it was going to be busy. So here are a couple of lessons we learned over the past couple of months, but first let’s answer the original question…
How does busyness affect our children?
It is important to first realize that it does. And its effects are not all bad even. It is good for kids to understand that life doesn’t revolve around them. But today I want to write from the assumption that for many of us we are not on the side of doing too little and spending too much time as a family. I am writing from the perspective of a busy father who finds himself squeezing his days for spare moments and who is juggling multiple responsibilities at once. Perpetual busyness communicates and does a couple of things to our kids…
- It creates as sense of chaos in our homes. Home for a kid is supposed to be the one safe place on earth when everything else seems uncertain. Busyness is a symptom of a deeper condition of our outlook on life. We end up operating out of this hectic and frenzied mindset at home and spew the bi-products onto our kids. Our children then feel that home is chaotic and not a place of rest.
- It reveals our priorities. A life of always being on the go communicates to our kids what we as fathers and parents prioritize. Try being gone in the evenings throughout your week consistently and telling your daughter that you love her and are excited to spend some time with her later. Men our actions speak louder than our words.
- It leads to disconnection with our kids. It is hard to be in the loop if we’re always gone. How are we supposed to know what new things our kids learned, what challenges they are facing, what thoughts they are having if we are getting the spark notes version from our wives? In order to be connected we must be present. “But I take my kids with me to the things I do and places I go!” Although this is a great supplement, it is no replacement for quality, uninterrupted time together.
Now let me bring it back a little. I am not saying that anytime we have a busy week, take a business trip, or have to work late that we are bad fathers. I am saying that when we make this the norm, the pattern, and the expectation then we are in dangerous waters. So here are 3 ways to combat the busyness of life and help our kids thrive…
Family is a priority. If we have this then all else will find its rightful place!
- Wherever you are, be all there. In a season of life and work where I was overly focused, stressed and busy Lydia told me “I feel like even though you are home, you’re not really home.” She was essentially saying that I was there physically but that was about it. One way to combat busyness is that when we are with family let’s be with family. Put the phone on “Do Not Disturb”, turn of the Indians game, and fight the urge to go to the garage to work on the car by yourself.
- Put a family trip/night on the calendar. When someone asks if you can do “XYZ” on Friday evening then you can say NO because you already have something planned. This creates a time for family instead of hoping that the time will just plop into our laps.
- Rest on the backend of a busy season. Too often we just keep our head down and go to the next thing. Before too long it has been a year since we took an extended trip, or time off with the family. Life is full of seasons which means we have seasons of busyness AND seasons of rest! Make sure after a busy couple of weeks that you come back around and rest with each other.
Ultimately, only you can determine what a healthy pace is for your family and what the needs are. Your wife will be one of the strongest tools to help you get a pulse on how your family is doing. Even more important than these principles is a mindset: Family is a priority. If we have this then all else will find its rightful place!