How To Build A Strong Family Culture- Part 1: Communication Is What Is Said And Not Said

What are we really saying?

They say 90% of communication happens through “non-verbals.” Men who are married understand this statistic better than anyone. I have a bad habit of making plans and commitments with people before asking Lydia. There have been a handful of times that Lydia has been present while I hastily volunteer one or both of us for something. When I look at her the craziest thing happens…I know what she’s thinking even though nothing has been said?! Now it is not my place to tell you what she’s thinking but any husband who tends to speak before he thinks probably has a good idea of the message I get. The point is this: Communication is both what is said and what is not said.

In this 4 part series of How To Build A Strong Family Culture you need to know this foundational principle: You are building some kind of culture in your family whether you like it or not. I would go over to a friend’s house growing up. When we would walk into his house in the evenings dinner would consist of Domino’s pizza and cheesy bread which would be consumed in front of the TV while watching an Indians baseball game. His dad never said “Hey kids, this is how we do things in this house. We watch baseball and eat subpar pizza!” Contrast this with my upbringing where we would eat meals around the dinner table in the evenings. These two examples illustrate two vastly different aspects of our family cultures. Neither of them was ever verbalized by our parents yet it was communicated that this was apart of our culture. 

So here are 4 questions to ask yourself that will help you build the culture you want to build!

(Here’s how I am answering them to give you an example)

1. What are the qualities in my family culture I want to set?

Lydia and I want there to be a culture of honor. We want our words and actions to lift up and show respect, not to tear down and hurt. We want there to be a culture where we spend quality time with each other outdoors. We try to go hiking, frisbee golfing, camping, etc. These are a few examples for us, but what about you?

2. What is the culture I am setting now?

Not a perfect one, but one where Christ is the foundation and one where we strive to love one another. There is no perfect culture out there, but there are cultures that foster life. This is the goal. 

3. Are there actions, habits or tendencies I have that are working against the culture I want to build?

A couple of nights ago Lydia and I had one of our famous “couch talks” where we talk about deep things and pretty much figure out the universe. In this instance the topic was Tirzah and trying to understand how she’s wired (still not sure). One of the things that came up is that when we are leaving the house I can become irrationally impatient and begin rushing the kids to gather shoes, themselves, and all of the things. Believe it or not, this is actually working against the culture of honor we want to instill. 

4. What is one negative habit that I can correct that would help change the culture of our family?

The aforementioned impatience would be a real game changer! Leadership stops at the top. When you and I realize that we are both the problem and the answer to the ways things currently are then positive change can begin to occur. We may have to demo some of what’s already standing to make room for the new. Part of being a Lion-Hearted man is having courage. Sometimes that courage is so you can face the ugly truth about yourself. This is where the Gospel comes in because Jesus says “I love you even despite your short-comings.” Take courage, look honestly at yourself, and say “Jesus help me.”

We are always building a culture in our family. Let’s start asking the right questions, take a bold look in the mirror, rely on God’s grace and lay a foundation for our families that will cultivate life! 

Next week in our series “How To Build A Strong Family Culture” we will look at how “Consistency is King.”